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In case you haven't heard the news, MLB star and total jerk Roger Clemens is a dirty effing pervert. In all honesty, it is a (not-so) well kept secret in professional sports that the wives of the athletes turn the other cheek to their husbands' cheating habits presumably in order to ensure said cheek rests on a pillow made of fine jewels and cold hard cash. Still, this couldn't have happened to a more deserving man. In a span of 48 hours, the former Cy Young

Award winner has been linked to a country singer, a real estate agent, and the ex-wife of pro golfer John Daly. It's a toss up as to which story is more ridiculous. On one hand, you have the fact that Clemens allegedly started his relationship with country singer McCready when she was just 15 years old, which immediately solidifies his redneck status, but the question on all of our minds is "are they related?" You would think that this story is easily the run away winner and you would be dead wrong. Just as interesting is his alleged tryst with John Daly's ex. Sleeping with her sets the stage for an inevitable celebrity boxing bout that will be dubbed "The Fallen Rocket vs The Loose Cannon". However, the way both of these men's careers are going, they may have to resuscitate the Bum Fights franchise just to get the damn thing on the air. The most intriguing aspect of this hilarious turn of events is the sheer rate at which these women are coming forward. If they can keep this pace, it'll only take 8 years for the amount of times Clemens hasn't "struck out" to surpass the tally of times he has struck someone else out (over 4700).

I think it's time for me to get in on the ground floor and do a little expose of my own on the Rocket. I worked tirelessy for maybe 25 minutes and assembled this timeline of Roger Clemens'"extracurricular" activities...

"Rocket" Roger Clemens Extracurricular Time Line

March 1983: Clemens chooses the #21 as a reminder to himself of the maximum age limit for girls he will sleep with.

May 1984: Celebrates MLB debut alone at a Boston-area Chuck-E-Cheese.

Fall 1986: Publicly declares his switch from "thrower" to "pitcher" and admits that the change has nothing at all to do with baseball.

August 1991: Clemens spends the entirety of his salary for that year on gifts for various "nephews" scattered across North America and parts of Cancun, Mexico.

1993-1996: Pitching production dips coinciding with an infidelity production surge.

June 1997: Teammate and fellow cheater Ed Sprague walks in on the Rocket doing steriods off the small of Brian Mcnamee's back.

Winter 1998: Defeats pro golfer John Daly in an arm wrestling match earning himself the right to sleep with Daly's then-wife as set out in the provisions of Redneck law.

June 2000: Becomes the first MLB player to ever be part of 3 grand slams in a single day after giving one up to Mike Piazza, having sweaty sex with a fat girl, and then capping off the night at a Denny's restaurant.

Spring 2003: Although never aired, Clemens submits his own cut of the Armour Hot Dog commercials consisting only of him, a 12-pack of frozen Armours, and the whole Dallas Cowboys Cheerleading team.

September 2003: Retires from cheating on his wife and walks away from an impressive 20 year career of being unfaithful.

January 2004: Makes the decision to return to cheating on his wife as long as it allows him to be closer to his family.

Okay, I'll admit that some (or all) of this may be speculation (or flat out imagined) but you know what is true? You will tell people about my blog. Oh and obviously the first part about the cheating with people's ex-wives and underage girls was incredibly true, I was just talking about the time line part.

What if the nicknames of sports teams were a true reflection of the team and/or its players? I present to you, last night's highlights in the world of Fake Literal Sports...

New Jersey Devils (NHL) vs. Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim  (MLB)

This was a classic battle of good versus evil. Young center field prospect Jesus Christ turned in an MVP-like performance correctly pronouncing infielder Maicer Izturis' name an astounding two times, which the Angels' color commentator emphatically declared a "goddamned miracle".  However, in the end, the Devils locked up an easy victory...seemingly too easy in fact. Angels’ manager Mike Scoscia later admitted in a post game interview that he had sold his soul to the Devils' owner, Satan himself, for his career .259 batting average and a guaranteed spot in the Italian Baseball Hall of Fame. Joe DiMaggio and Tommy Lasorda, both long deceased, were on hand in spirit as the only other members.

Washington Nationals (MLB) vs. Washington Redskins  (NFL)

This historical battle played out in front of an abnormally small crowd as most scalpers had died off in the hours preceding the match. Led into Mayflower Sports Complex by star lefty Grain Alcohol, the Nationals came out absolutely gunning. Reliable catcher Small Pox blanketed the Redskins' offense. The energy in the building was contagious throughout the night as the home team literally raped and pillaged the opposition. The Redskins put up a valiant effort but in all honesty, it was like they brought a bow and arrow to a gun fight. The Nationals now look to their next opponents, the Cleveland Indians, as they continue their Manifest Destiny road trip to the west coast.

Notre Dame Fighting Irish (NCAA) vs. Montreal Canadiens (NHL)

The visiting Fighting Irish were forced to forego their pregame ritual of pounding whisky shots and beating their kids when the host Canadiens stocked the away dressing room with only red wine and orange soda. The game started out as planned with the Irish coming out swinging while the French Canadian side organized a referendum to separate itself from sports entirely. The Fighting Irish sealed the victory when the Canadiens decided to return to their French roots and concede the battle well before their loss was sure.

Utah Jazz (NBA) vs. Minnesota Wild (NHL) vs. Orlando Magic (NBA) vs. Cleveland Browns (NFL)

All 4 of these teams brought a ton of intangibles to the table due in large part to fact that they are, by name, intangible. This epic sport event was the first of it's kind to charge fans admission to an empty arena in which they sat and imagined what it would be like for a dark art, bland color, music, and...uhh...I guess a span of forestry to all collide in brutal competition. Each being versatile enough to cover the noun and adjective categories of grammar, these teams matched up well against each other. I would like to think that the Magic 'pulled' a victory out of their 'hat', but in the end the winner was really just up to your imagination. Picture Miles Davis VS David Copperfield VS Your Dad's Recliner VS A Tree (?). Intense.

Philadelphia 76'ers (NBA) vs. San Francisco 49'ers  (NFL)

This one came down to the numbers. Heavy favorite, the 76'ers, were surprised to be informed that this wasn't a "higher number wins" competition. In the end, the fans were disappointed to learn that they were all a small part of a more elaborate game of "pick a number" in which neither 76 nor 49 was chosen. In an attempt to salvage the experience, the second parts of each number got together to excite and arouse the crowd. Everyone left satisfied.

Chicago White Sox (MLB) vs. Boston Red Sox (MLB)

This event took place in the fabled Top Drawer of Your Armoire Stadium along the Leaking Furnace River in picturesque The Basement, Your Mom's Place. The cold fact that it's not Christmas season put the Red Sox at an immediate disadvantage. Then when your father came down and demanded that you mow the lawn, the White Sox triumph was all but in the bag. In a sudden twist of events, you stubbed your heel on your hamster cage and turned to the underdog Red Sox to conceal the "boo boo juice" from the prying eyes of MILF joggers passing by. Defying an almost 15-1 player disadvantage (star White Sock, Hanes FruitLoom, has been missing since laundry day Wednesday), the Red Sox victory went down as one of the biggest upsets in fake sports history.

This article had been put up on collegehumor.com! Please take some time to sign up to the site and click the "digg" and "like it" links at the bottom of the article. This would help me out greatly. The link is HERE

As always, tell your friends about my blog.

We're all probably going to hell; some of us more surely than others...

"A Florida teenager is facing a charge of elder abuse after he allegedly made his senile grandmother wear a black mask and hold a hand gun for a video.
Police say the 85-year-old woman is seen and heard on the video threatening to "shoot all the pigs." Michael Alfinez, 18, was arrested Monday."
         - The Associated Press

I'm surprised it took this long. I cannot count the number of times I've been watching a viral video and wondered, "how fake is this?". We are all officially going to hell and we'll be ushered into the crimson barren land by Michael Alfinez, 18, of good old Florida, USA. The biggest question for me is....why, in the land of senile old people where you can't cross the street without being run down by a foggy minded 80-something, would this superstar choose his own grandmother? Aren't there like uh services or something down there where you can rent old people to exploit? I guess his video had a tight budget and he had to make do with what was available. In all seriousness, this is why viral videos should be left to to the professionals like Tay Zonday and Japanese television.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Will Ferrell could be dead right now. Think about that.

"The grizzly bear that wrestled Will Ferrell's character in the recent film "Semi-Pro" seemed to obediently follow cues - which made its killing of its trainer with a bite to the neck all the more stunning."

-The Associated Press

Actor Will Ferrell should be counting his lucky stars today after narrowly escaping the grim grizzly

reaper. What a broad struck of luck it is that someone as loud and abrasive as Ferrell could somehow outperform a professional trainer in the sport of not being murdered by a massive bear. We now go to Brian Fantana who's live on the scene at Jellystone Correctional Facility For Bears...

    "I tried to get an interview with him, but they said no, you can't do that         he's a live bear, he will literally rip your face off."

Thanks, Brian!

Remember to tell your home boys about my blog.

Ever since I was little and predicted young Drew Barrymore's descent into child acting alcoholism and drug abuse, I've known that I had a unique talent. I made a promise to a mysterious monk that I would never call upon those powers again. But fuck it, that douche has been living in my apartment for the past 4 years and hasn't offered up rent once. So, 20 years later, here I am trying to source those powers after all this time. I'll do my best...

The Kid: Apple Paltrow-Martin
The Parents: Gwenyth Paltrow and a poor man's Thom Yorke
Recipe For Disaster:
1 cup of Bad Acting
2 pinches of self righteousness
1 litre of "Yellllllooooooooowwwww"
Future Endeavors: Apple will snub her parents' encouragement to become a triple threat entertainment star (Acting, Singing, Alcoholism) and settle for a modest life of working in a supermarket produce section. When her trust fund money runs thin, she will turn to affixing the trademark symbol to her name and marketing the new iGiveUp touch screen suicide machine.
Cause of Eventual Death: Eaten by a health conscious cannibal.

 

The Kid: Zoie Laurel May Herpin
The Parents: Stephanie from Full House and Cody Herpin
Recipe For Disaster:
2 Tbsp of Sexually Ambiguous First Names
1 Pinch of Brief Child Stardom
3 Handfuls of Uncle Jessie
Future Endeavors: Zoie will deal with the ups and downs of living with father Cody's brother-in-law and best friend. She will get into quirky situations that always seem to resolve themselves by the end of each episode. The heart felt background music will eventually invade her dreams and consequently drive her mad. She will move out of the house at 18 to pursue a porno acting career. Ironically, the first movie she will star in will be a graphic gang bang film entitled: "Full House".
Cause of Eventual Death: A methamphetamine lab explosion causes her untimely death while simultaneously ruining the family business.

The Kid: Yet To Be Hilariously Named
The Parents: Jessica Simpson's less attractive sister and some emo guy from some emo band
Recipe For Disaster:
Equal Parts Angst, Anxiety, Anger, and Alliteration
Future Endeavors: By far the most stylish kid at school, this emo love child will be told repeatedly they look like their father regardless of what gender they turn out to be. They will be exposed while hosting Saturday Night Live to go down in history as the first person to ever be caught wrist-slit-synching.
Cause of Eventual Death: Is there really any doubt? Joe Simpson murder-suicide, obviously.

The Kid: Liam Aaron McDermott
The Parents: The annoying broad from 90210 and Dean McDermott, Canadian Actor
Recipe For Disaster:
3 Shakes of Silicone Polluted Breast Milk
1 Too Many "Uncles" Who Never Seem To Buy You Birthday Presents
3 Dashes of flat-out child neglect
Future Endeavors: Will realize at age four that he is more mature than his mother. By age nine, questions will arise about why all the other kids have "human mommies" and he has a "horse mommy". Will quit a childhood acting career to go to high school only to be faced with an adverse situation subsequently coming dangerously close to not graduating. Jason Priestly, still working on passing Grade 11 Gym, will rally the whole school behind his cause.
Cause of Eventual Death: Will break a leg in the big race leaving his trainers with no other choice but to shoot him in the face with a rifle.

The Kid: Nahla Ariela Aubry
The Parents: Halle Berry and some French-Canadian Super Model
Recipe For Disaster:
2 gorgeous helpings of juicy tit
4 cups of poutine
Countless nightmarish recalls of mom getting down with Billy Bob Thornton
Future Endeavors: Accepts $500,000 per breast from Gerber Foods Corp to appear topless in a baby food ad.
Cause of Eventual Death: After working his way back into Halle's life, David Justice demonstrates that he's "still got it" by knocking the kid's head RIGHT OUTTA THE (nearby neighbourhood) PARK!!!

The Kid: Marquez Anthony Caruso
The Parents: David Caruso (you know...that fucker from CSI: Miami) and Liza Marquez
Recipe For Disaster:
1 million strands of red hair
4 failed attempts at genuine acting
1 so-so looking mom
Future Endeavors: At an early age, Marquez developes obsessive compulsive sunglasses disorder. Cannot start any day without a quick blast of the intro to "Won't Get Foooled Again" by The Who. Eventually goes on to star in CSI's 16th iteration: CSI: Robert Downy Junior's Apartment.
Cause of Eventual Death: A mysterious murder where you think its gonna be the first guy they bring in, but then it turns out it isn't, but then in the end...IT ACTUALLY WAS!

 

Call all the babies you know and tell them to read my blog.

 

Attn: Martin Lawrence
Re: Not Being Funny

Something needs to be said. I'm calling you out Martin Lawrence. You have made 20 million dollars for two movies in the past, plus over 10 million in a few others. This has got to stop right now. Twenty million dollars is a lot of money. Do you think you've earned it? It needs to be brought to your attention that you are not funny. Not even a tiny bit. You weren't funny in the past, and even your past isn't funny. There is nothing funny about you. Your dog isn't funny, your face isn't funny. You are a plain average guy. You were born in Germany. There is nothing funny about Germany. Maybe your stand up comedy was funny, but based on your recent performances, why would I even give it a chance? You lost that right when you made Wild Hogs.

Wild Hogs. It's not enough that you're horrible at comedy, but you have to involve others in it? At first it didn't matter because you seemingly played every character on your God-awful television show, but now you're dragging other people down with you. First you manage to rope some decent actors (sort of) into doing Wild Hogs. Granted, John Travolta has always made bad choices; retorting with the old school comeback of "look who's talking" becomes far too literal when used on him. Tim Allen is a mess and he always has been. I could list all the reasons why, but who gives a shit? It's Tim Allen. William H. Macy, though? The same guy from The Cooler, Pleasantville, and Fargo? He signed up for Wild Hogs? You digust me, Martin Lawrence. I don't care if it's your fault. I'm making it your fault.

Why am I making it your fault? Three words. Big. Mama's. House. Yes, Eddie Murphy put on a bunch of costumes to play the characters in his Nutty Professor franchise, but  he's actually funny and even he didn't really pull it off. Mike Myers did it a few years later and again, due to being funny, he sort of made it work. Then you attempt it. You're the third man in on a comedic gag and the best you can do is Big Momma's House? It's ridiculous and not just because no one wants to picture you as a fat old woman. There's many other reasons. Namely, it not being funny at all. I remember 2006 like it was yesterday. It had taken me ages to shake off the horror of it all. I was just recovering from the sheer torture of Big Mama's House; a pain that can only be compared to being bum raped by an iodine squirting longsword. Then some how, some way, the unfathomable happened. A team of (supposedly) highly capable studio executives sat around, what I imagine to be a massive table made entirely of rhinocerus ivory, and agreed that a sequel to Big Momma's House was a great idea. I assume afterwords they ate koala heads drizzled in bald eagle blood and laughed like villains. What the fuck, Hollywood? We pump our hard earned dollars into your pockets so you can buy your diamond encrusted tennis shorts and snake skin jet ski upholstery and how do you repay us? With Big Momma's House 2. With National Security. With Black Knight.

Now you've bestowed another gift upon us: College Road Trip. Hmm, how can we make Martin Lawrence even funnier?!? According to studio executives, the answer is goddamn obvious...pair him up with Donny Osmond. Just when you think life can't get any crazier, you wake up and realize that Martin Lawrence and Donny Osmond have joined forces to create the end of the world. To be completely frank, I'd rather not live in a world where people like Martin Lawrence and Donny Osmond get paid money to assault my spirit. Fuck you, Donny Osmond. Man, I don't get to say that often enough.

HEY MARTIN! Remember when you ruined the only episode of Saturday Night Live that you ever hosted? That was good times. C'mon Martin, you remember, right? You repeatedly swore and improvised your lines. You made an ass out of yourself and were probably intoxicated. Is this ringing a bell at all? It resulted in you being awarded a lifetime ban from hosting SNL. Yeah you remember. Quit pretending you were too hopped up on drugs, booze, and hookers to recall. Just for the record, you improvising SNL lines is like Hellen Keller improvising brain surgery. I'm just saying...sometimes things are better left in more appropriate hands.

The only glimmer in your career was Bad Boys, but you basically shit all over the damn thing and waited for Will Smith to clean it up. Twice. For a talent like Will Smith, a movie like Bad Boys was a springboard to better roles and more exposure. For you, it was a chance to act on camera like you do off camera. Loud, abrasive, and making desperate attempts at comedy. You were home. I'll admit it was cool to see TV actors swear and get into adult situations that didn't involve sneaking out past 9 pm to go to a pool hall, but that wore off after about 5 minutes of having to listen to your voice and see your face. GOD. You are so unfunny. Martin, I'm seriously not fibbing.

If you don't believe me, let's go over the numbers. You're 0% at the Teen Choice Awards and the MTV Movie Awards (anyone can win those, I won one this morning for best toilet shit in a supporting bowel movement). The truth is, I'm shocked that you were even nominated. Congrats. I thought for sure you were going to win Film-Wipeout Scene of the Summer in 2000. I was floored when you couldn't snag an award, which seemed so specific that it may have been made simply in order for you to win it. How many wipeout scenes do you think ocurred that summer on film? You continue to defy the odds. A master of chance.

I hope that this has been an awakening for you. Your sordid past of racism, sexual harassment, and drug abuse was tolerable. It's your career that is really offensive. Stop it now. Go back to doing whatever it was you were doing in that period after you lost your TV show to your lifelong battle with being a total asshole. Honestly, we all enjoyed the break.

    Signed,
      Everyone

Now I know somewhere Dane Cook is celebrating in a very loud and animated way. Well guess what Dane? I wouldn't party too hard just yet, you joke stealing hack. You could very well be next. 

If you had one month to live, what five things would you do?
Suggested by Acerebel.

I'll begin by asking the Question of the Day a question...How many bullets do I have in my gun?

But seriously...

1. I don't really tell anyone I love them ever. I guess it would be a good time to start doing that. I do, however, tell people all the time that I hate them. That would remain unchanged.

2. I would go sky diving and probably shit my pants because I'm deathly afraid of heights. I'd also shit my pants bungee jumping, base jumping, and going on all the roller coasters I refused to ride all these years. Basically, I'd be looking to do anything that would cause me to shit my pants.

3. I would write a screenplay. I would write a book. I would write on bathroom stalls. I would write on babies foreheads. I would write and write and write.

4. I would shoot George Bush in the dick, wait five minutes, then shoot him in the dick again. Not because I want to be some sort of political martyr. Mainly because I think it would be hilarious.

5. I hope the disease that's killing me isn't communicable because I would be on a sex rampage.

Canada Loses a Hero, Music Loses a Legend

This past Sunday, rock legend Jeff Healey passed away in Toronto losing a battle with cancer that he had been fighting for the majority of his life. As a baby, Healey lost both of his eyes, and consequently his sight, to a rare form of cancer called retinoblastoma. At the age of 3, while most of us were trying to figure out how far our fingers could reach into our noses, Jeff Healey began learning the guitar. As the years passed, his talents progressed and he elevated himself to a level beyond most guitar players who have their sight.

This guy was unbelievable. Becoming the master of any musical instrument is a feat of skill and determination, but to do so without the ability to see is truly amazing. Jeff Healey is a testament to the power of will. Next time you can't figure out what's wrong with your computer or you're thinking of calling in sick to work, remember the struggles that this wonderful musician had to endure. Suddenly the mundane tasks, that we pretend are so arduous, seem ridiculously easy. Just remember that, to Jeff, just learning the guitar wasn't enough. He wanted to master it and become the best in a world where everyone had an advantage. He wanted to play the hell out of the guitar, and boy did he ever. Below is a video of a solo he performed at his old rock bar at Queen and Bathurst in Toronto (which has since moved to 56 Blue Jays Way, I urge everyone to go and check it out).

Disclaimer:  If you are trying to learn the guitar and have full use of your vision, this guy is so good that you'll probably be too embarrassed to ever attempt the guitar again. Aspiring musician discretion is advised...