5 posts tagged “funny”

In case you haven't heard the news, MLB star and total jerk Roger Clemens is a dirty effing pervert. In all honesty, it is a (not-so) well kept secret in professional sports that the wives of the athletes turn the other cheek to their husbands' cheating habits presumably in order to ensure said cheek rests on a pillow made of fine jewels and cold hard cash. Still, this couldn't have happened to a more deserving man. In a span of 48 hours, the former Cy Young

Award winner has been linked to a country singer, a real estate agent, and the ex-wife of pro golfer John Daly. It's a toss up as to which story is more ridiculous. On one hand, you have the fact that Clemens allegedly started his relationship with country singer McCready when she was just 15 years old, which immediately solidifies his redneck status, but the question on all of our minds is "are they related?" You would think that this story is easily the run away winner and you would be dead wrong. Just as interesting is his alleged tryst with John Daly's ex. Sleeping with her sets the stage for an inevitable celebrity boxing bout that will be dubbed "The Fallen Rocket vs The Loose Cannon". However, the way both of these men's careers are going, they may have to resuscitate the Bum Fights franchise just to get the damn thing on the air. The most intriguing aspect of this hilarious turn of events is the sheer rate at which these women are coming forward. If they can keep this pace, it'll only take 8 years for the amount of times Clemens hasn't "struck out" to surpass the tally of times he has struck someone else out (over 4700).

I think it's time for me to get in on the ground floor and do a little expose of my own on the Rocket. I worked tirelessy for maybe 25 minutes and assembled this timeline of Roger Clemens'"extracurricular" activities...

"Rocket" Roger Clemens Extracurricular Time Line

March 1983: Clemens chooses the #21 as a reminder to himself of the maximum age limit for girls he will sleep with.

May 1984: Celebrates MLB debut alone at a Boston-area Chuck-E-Cheese.

Fall 1986: Publicly declares his switch from "thrower" to "pitcher" and admits that the change has nothing at all to do with baseball.

August 1991: Clemens spends the entirety of his salary for that year on gifts for various "nephews" scattered across North America and parts of Cancun, Mexico.

1993-1996: Pitching production dips coinciding with an infidelity production surge.

June 1997: Teammate and fellow cheater Ed Sprague walks in on the Rocket doing steriods off the small of Brian Mcnamee's back.

Winter 1998: Defeats pro golfer John Daly in an arm wrestling match earning himself the right to sleep with Daly's then-wife as set out in the provisions of Redneck law.

June 2000: Becomes the first MLB player to ever be part of 3 grand slams in a single day after giving one up to Mike Piazza, having sweaty sex with a fat girl, and then capping off the night at a Denny's restaurant.

Spring 2003: Although never aired, Clemens submits his own cut of the Armour Hot Dog commercials consisting only of him, a 12-pack of frozen Armours, and the whole Dallas Cowboys Cheerleading team.

September 2003: Retires from cheating on his wife and walks away from an impressive 20 year career of being unfaithful.

January 2004: Makes the decision to return to cheating on his wife as long as it allows him to be closer to his family.

Okay, I'll admit that some (or all) of this may be speculation (or flat out imagined) but you know what is true? You will tell people about my blog. Oh and obviously the first part about the cheating with people's ex-wives and underage girls was incredibly true, I was just talking about the time line part.

What if the nicknames of sports teams were a true reflection of the team and/or its players? I present to you, last night's highlights in the world of Fake Literal Sports...

New Jersey Devils (NHL) vs. Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim  (MLB)

This was a classic battle of good versus evil. Young center field prospect Jesus Christ turned in an MVP-like performance correctly pronouncing infielder Maicer Izturis' name an astounding two times, which the Angels' color commentator emphatically declared a "goddamned miracle".  However, in the end, the Devils locked up an easy victory...seemingly too easy in fact. Angels’ manager Mike Scoscia later admitted in a post game interview that he had sold his soul to the Devils' owner, Satan himself, for his career .259 batting average and a guaranteed spot in the Italian Baseball Hall of Fame. Joe DiMaggio and Tommy Lasorda, both long deceased, were on hand in spirit as the only other members.

Washington Nationals (MLB) vs. Washington Redskins  (NFL)

This historical battle played out in front of an abnormally small crowd as most scalpers had died off in the hours preceding the match. Led into Mayflower Sports Complex by star lefty Grain Alcohol, the Nationals came out absolutely gunning. Reliable catcher Small Pox blanketed the Redskins' offense. The energy in the building was contagious throughout the night as the home team literally raped and pillaged the opposition. The Redskins put up a valiant effort but in all honesty, it was like they brought a bow and arrow to a gun fight. The Nationals now look to their next opponents, the Cleveland Indians, as they continue their Manifest Destiny road trip to the west coast.

Notre Dame Fighting Irish (NCAA) vs. Montreal Canadiens (NHL)

The visiting Fighting Irish were forced to forego their pregame ritual of pounding whisky shots and beating their kids when the host Canadiens stocked the away dressing room with only red wine and orange soda. The game started out as planned with the Irish coming out swinging while the French Canadian side organized a referendum to separate itself from sports entirely. The Fighting Irish sealed the victory when the Canadiens decided to return to their French roots and concede the battle well before their loss was sure.

Utah Jazz (NBA) vs. Minnesota Wild (NHL) vs. Orlando Magic (NBA) vs. Cleveland Browns (NFL)

All 4 of these teams brought a ton of intangibles to the table due in large part to fact that they are, by name, intangible. This epic sport event was the first of it's kind to charge fans admission to an empty arena in which they sat and imagined what it would be like for a dark art, bland color, music, and...uhh...I guess a span of forestry to all collide in brutal competition. Each being versatile enough to cover the noun and adjective categories of grammar, these teams matched up well against each other. I would like to think that the Magic 'pulled' a victory out of their 'hat', but in the end the winner was really just up to your imagination. Picture Miles Davis VS David Copperfield VS Your Dad's Recliner VS A Tree (?). Intense.

Philadelphia 76'ers (NBA) vs. San Francisco 49'ers  (NFL)

This one came down to the numbers. Heavy favorite, the 76'ers, were surprised to be informed that this wasn't a "higher number wins" competition. In the end, the fans were disappointed to learn that they were all a small part of a more elaborate game of "pick a number" in which neither 76 nor 49 was chosen. In an attempt to salvage the experience, the second parts of each number got together to excite and arouse the crowd. Everyone left satisfied.

Chicago White Sox (MLB) vs. Boston Red Sox (MLB)

This event took place in the fabled Top Drawer of Your Armoire Stadium along the Leaking Furnace River in picturesque The Basement, Your Mom's Place. The cold fact that it's not Christmas season put the Red Sox at an immediate disadvantage. Then when your father came down and demanded that you mow the lawn, the White Sox triumph was all but in the bag. In a sudden twist of events, you stubbed your heel on your hamster cage and turned to the underdog Red Sox to conceal the "boo boo juice" from the prying eyes of MILF joggers passing by. Defying an almost 15-1 player disadvantage (star White Sock, Hanes FruitLoom, has been missing since laundry day Wednesday), the Red Sox victory went down as one of the biggest upsets in fake sports history.

This article had been put up on collegehumor.com! Please take some time to sign up to the site and click the "digg" and "like it" links at the bottom of the article. This would help me out greatly. The link is HERE

As always, tell your friends about my blog.

Ever since I was little and predicted young Drew Barrymore's descent into child acting alcoholism and drug abuse, I've known that I had a unique talent. I made a promise to a mysterious monk that I would never call upon those powers again. But fuck it, that douche has been living in my apartment for the past 4 years and hasn't offered up rent once. So, 20 years later, here I am trying to source those powers after all this time. I'll do my best...

The Kid: Apple Paltrow-Martin
The Parents: Gwenyth Paltrow and a poor man's Thom Yorke
Recipe For Disaster:
1 cup of Bad Acting
2 pinches of self righteousness
1 litre of "Yellllllooooooooowwwww"
Future Endeavors: Apple will snub her parents' encouragement to become a triple threat entertainment star (Acting, Singing, Alcoholism) and settle for a modest life of working in a supermarket produce section. When her trust fund money runs thin, she will turn to affixing the trademark symbol to her name and marketing the new iGiveUp touch screen suicide machine.
Cause of Eventual Death: Eaten by a health conscious cannibal.

 

The Kid: Zoie Laurel May Herpin
The Parents: Stephanie from Full House and Cody Herpin
Recipe For Disaster:
2 Tbsp of Sexually Ambiguous First Names
1 Pinch of Brief Child Stardom
3 Handfuls of Uncle Jessie
Future Endeavors: Zoie will deal with the ups and downs of living with father Cody's brother-in-law and best friend. She will get into quirky situations that always seem to resolve themselves by the end of each episode. The heart felt background music will eventually invade her dreams and consequently drive her mad. She will move out of the house at 18 to pursue a porno acting career. Ironically, the first movie she will star in will be a graphic gang bang film entitled: "Full House".
Cause of Eventual Death: A methamphetamine lab explosion causes her untimely death while simultaneously ruining the family business.

The Kid: Yet To Be Hilariously Named
The Parents: Jessica Simpson's less attractive sister and some emo guy from some emo band
Recipe For Disaster:
Equal Parts Angst, Anxiety, Anger, and Alliteration
Future Endeavors: By far the most stylish kid at school, this emo love child will be told repeatedly they look like their father regardless of what gender they turn out to be. They will be exposed while hosting Saturday Night Live to go down in history as the first person to ever be caught wrist-slit-synching.
Cause of Eventual Death: Is there really any doubt? Joe Simpson murder-suicide, obviously.

The Kid: Liam Aaron McDermott
The Parents: The annoying broad from 90210 and Dean McDermott, Canadian Actor
Recipe For Disaster:
3 Shakes of Silicone Polluted Breast Milk
1 Too Many "Uncles" Who Never Seem To Buy You Birthday Presents
3 Dashes of flat-out child neglect
Future Endeavors: Will realize at age four that he is more mature than his mother. By age nine, questions will arise about why all the other kids have "human mommies" and he has a "horse mommy". Will quit a childhood acting career to go to high school only to be faced with an adverse situation subsequently coming dangerously close to not graduating. Jason Priestly, still working on passing Grade 11 Gym, will rally the whole school behind his cause.
Cause of Eventual Death: Will break a leg in the big race leaving his trainers with no other choice but to shoot him in the face with a rifle.

The Kid: Nahla Ariela Aubry
The Parents: Halle Berry and some French-Canadian Super Model
Recipe For Disaster:
2 gorgeous helpings of juicy tit
4 cups of poutine
Countless nightmarish recalls of mom getting down with Billy Bob Thornton
Future Endeavors: Accepts $500,000 per breast from Gerber Foods Corp to appear topless in a baby food ad.
Cause of Eventual Death: After working his way back into Halle's life, David Justice demonstrates that he's "still got it" by knocking the kid's head RIGHT OUTTA THE (nearby neighbourhood) PARK!!!

The Kid: Marquez Anthony Caruso
The Parents: David Caruso (you know...that fucker from CSI: Miami) and Liza Marquez
Recipe For Disaster:
1 million strands of red hair
4 failed attempts at genuine acting
1 so-so looking mom
Future Endeavors: At an early age, Marquez developes obsessive compulsive sunglasses disorder. Cannot start any day without a quick blast of the intro to "Won't Get Foooled Again" by The Who. Eventually goes on to star in CSI's 16th iteration: CSI: Robert Downy Junior's Apartment.
Cause of Eventual Death: A mysterious murder where you think its gonna be the first guy they bring in, but then it turns out it isn't, but then in the end...IT ACTUALLY WAS!

 

Call all the babies you know and tell them to read my blog.

 

Look we all probably use MSN Messenger. At least most of us do, and those of us who have the pleasure of dealing with the odds and ends of instant messaging could easily name a few quirks that some users exhibit which thoroughly annoy us.

Allow me to introduce to you, hailing from places spanning the globe, a group of individuals that has been rocking the sport of instant messaging since day 1. Without further ado, I present a team that needs no introduction, YOUR...

The Player: MSN Ninja
The Skills: A notorious slacker in practice, this MSN veteran doesn't take the game seriously anymore. Their lack of consistency prevents them from operating on an acceptable level and this is reflected in their constant omission from any important team conversations. This player pops in and out of online status and has the uncanny ability to vanish at any given point during a conversation. This is usually a function of wireless internet...or years of kung fu training. Normally the Ninja will wait until they are engaged in an important conversation with you then disappear faster than a fatty's self-esteem.
Special Move: Going offline just as you are putting the finishing touches on typing a max-out length message, of great importance, to them.
Common MSN Names: "Had a great weeken", "GAHHHHHHHH, I hate wirele"
How To Play D: Buy the MSN Ninja an ethernet cable and help them hard line their CPU to their router or hope you can convince a Pirate to lend you a hand.

The Player: MSN Paradox
The Skills: While always being present at all team functions, this MSN player always seems to have "checked out". They have no grasp of the fundamentals, and the frailty of their mental awareness makes them a chronic liability. The MSN Paradox relies on a solid game of being online all the time yet never responding to any messages. This superstar is always accessible yet never responsive and that's just the way they like it. They are most likely your mom.
Special Move: RSVP'ing to your birthday party 6 Wednesdays after the party has occurred.
Common MSN Names: "Whoooo, Happy New Years everyone! 2005 is gonna be THE SHIT!!!", "Florida screwed Gore!"
How To Play D: Isolation and ignorance is the name of the game. Create an MSN group on your list called "People I Should Never Message" and stick them right at the top.

The Player: MSN Fonzie
The Skills: Flashy, frivilous, and a total dick...MSN Fonzie is the quintessential marquee player. His diva-eqsue actions are always calling his heart into question. To him, simply getting the job done is not enough. Fonzie's ultimate goal is to get the job done while alienating everyone around him. This MSN superstar is all about keeping up appearances.They are far too cool to be on MSN. Since no one ever calls them, they are forced to go on MSN in order to connect with people who secretly (but most likely puclicly) dislike them. MSN Fonzie will often have an excuse for being on "this piece of shit program", and it will always be neither credible or relevant.
Special Move: Criticizing you via MSN for being a "lame-o MSN user, bro"
Common MSN Names: "MSN IS GHEY!!!11", "Yo, just signing on to see were we geting crunkizzle tonizzle"
How To Play D: Just having this person on your MSN list is an indication that you may be in too deep. It's best to just roll with the punches and play the numbers. He won't be online too often and when he is, it won't be for long. You'll just have to play through the discomfort and hope it goes away as quickly as possible. Much like diarhea.


The Player: MSN NYSE Stock Ticker
The Skills: This player is a hard worker with a lot of character. Their game can be summed up in one word: dedication. They just go out there and enjoy themselves while giving a hundred and ten percent, 3000% of the time. The MSN Ticker is constantly working on their next MSN name. To this player, when it comes to names, anything goes. No one is safe. Nothing is sacred. By having this person on your list, you will never be out of touch with current events; both their own and the world's. Celebrity deaths, who's selling their car, how many corn chunks were in their poop, what was #1 on Letterman's last top ten list, why 911 was a hoax. It's all there for the world to see and the MSN Ticker is more than happy to provide up to minute news on literally everything.
Special Move: Somehow knowing and noting what kind of underwear you put on this morning. (Yep..a velvet thong. You're fucking sick, dude)
Common MSN Names: "My hamster is currently eating unsalted sun flower seeds using his hands and mouth. He is in his cage and his current mood is hungry.", "Walmart greeters are inconsistent. Some say due to age. Others say stupidity."
How To Play D: Look, as long as the planet is spinning on its axis, this player isn't going anywhere and you can't make them. This is a run out the clock situation. Eventually one of two things will happen: they will actually set their MSN name to something truly notable and you will congratulate yourself for hanging in there, or they will find another medium with which they can convey their thoughts and reports on planet everything.

The Player: MSN Doppelganger
The Skills: Shrouded in mystery, the MSN Doppelganger is almost always a player to be named later. Their versatility causes more confusion than benefits. They're often unable to be found when it matters the most. This player refuses to use their given name, last name, or relevant nickname in any part of their msn profile. Finding them on your MSN when you actually need to talk to them becomes extremely difficult. Their e-mail handle always produces foggy results and resembles them in no way whatsoever. This player gets off on the knowledge that finding them on your list is like participating in a wacky Korean game show.
Special Move: Being mistaken for someone else on your list and gaining crucial information about you in the process, which will presumably be used in further strengthening their propensity to confuse and bewilder.
Common MSN Names: "I am 'The One'", "I have eyes and frequently wear shirts"
How To Play D: Spend three weeks surveilling their instant messaging activities. When you're absolutely certain that you have identified them, right click on their name, choose "Edit Contact" and type the following into the "Nickname" field..."Cocksucking Doppelganger". From then on, not only will you know who they are, you'll also know exactly what they are all about.

The Player: MSN Backbone
The Skills: A franchise player in every sense of the word. This player is the pillar of Team MSN. What they lack in flair and personality, they make up for with their sheer willingless to participate. This player relies on work ethic and hustle to get by. The MSN Backbone is online and ready to talk at every moment of the day. They do not screw around with the politics of msn status and image. They pride themselves on playing the right way. Often, this person is a massive loser, albeit a loveable one.
Special Move: Helping you finish your overdue essay at 6 am...on a Saturday...stone cold sober.
Common MSN Names: "[First and Last Name typed out in regular characters]"
How To Play D: Look, you're going to want this person on your side. The MSN Backbone is worth their weight in heroin and don't you ever forget it. Playing D against Backbone would be like playing D against a delectable ham and cheese sandwich. Some forces aren't meant to be stopped.

Please feel free to leave comments about which MSN All Star you are and other All Stars that I may have missed. Also, don't forget to let all the MSN haters in your life know about this article.

Finally, I'd like to take time to dedicate the inconsistent spacing in this post, and all of my past posts, to the crack programming team here at Vox. Way to keep us guessing, boys!